Thanks...

Sarah, Erik, Tamar, and Guy...everyone...WTF??...you guys are embarrassing me with your compliments! Too kind. Thank you for supporting me on this goofy thing. I love you all! The best part of my day is coming home and seeing the notes you guys write on my dorky blog.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, in return, I give to you.............

Jordan and the Dead Sea.
It's all I got.
I can see them.
Hope they can't see me ;)



And now back to my "favorite" cable channel, Interstar, where I am, against my will and all that is right in this world, subjected to nearly 24 hours a day of Turkish television shows and commercials.
"Nabir, Tali?"
"I'm freaking great, thanks for asking."

Lizard and Monkey

Thanks Ronna...I've gotta share it.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "ffuuucccckkkk dude....... how much water did you drink?!”

The New Place

I have a home! In the pic, you can see some of the kitchen and our living room. These are some of our friends who came over to "break" the place in on our first night. We had reps from Argentina, Spain, Poland, Russia, Croatia, Romania, Japan, Turkey, Israel, and America and that's only cuz not everyone could make it! I love this place! We have a phenomenal view from our balcony of the hills, in which are nestled Arab villages, Jewish neighborhoods, and on one peak, our beloved university. As for now, the place is still furnished with our subletters furniture, so Mehdi and I crashed on the bunk beds (I called top!) and let the very tall Ottoman (Can, pronounced 'John') sleep in the big bed. I'm very happy here, and sooo relieved to finally have my own home. We stocked the fridge and cabinets with food and beer and today woke up to a beautifully sunny day, had a family breakfast, watched some cable TV (hell yah!), and are still trying to figure out this damn, German-made washing machine. It locks up until the cycle finishes and then it's supposed to open but I have a feeling I ain't ever gonna see them clothes in there again. Where's my engineer Abba when I need him?! Oh! Doorbell! Who could it be? Who cares...we have a doorbell! Yay!



1) Mehdi and the bunk bed and 2) Ottoman posing like a hard-ass gangsta

1) Sandra and her boyfriend, Kfir along with Vadim and Shlomi and 2) Jackie and Ariel, next to the new Turk, Candan (pronounced 'JohnDon')

Riots and Grades

For those of you who saw the news about what went down at Har Hatzofim (Mt. Scopus) today, don't worry, I'm fine...and I saw my new apartment. I'll be moving in tomorrow and the place is freaking phenomenal. My own room! At last!
I turned in my paper on Mesopotamian religion for my individual tutorial last night via email.
First, I had to call my tutor and get his email address....
"Shalom...Evgeny?"
"No."
"Can I speak with him?"
"Sure. Why not..."
On hold.
"Hallo?"
"Hi, is this the f**king Russian?"
"Oh shit...is that you? I thought you dropped off the earth. Or decided not to come back."
"Yah, me too. Thought about it. I have your paper...you want it?"
"Not really...is it long?"
"Kinda. I need a grade. Iris is on my back to get my papers in."
"Oh, is that it? That's why you called? So I don't have to read it. I can just give you a grade and you can leave me alone."
"Whatever, man. I wrote about Mesopotamian religion. It might bore the hell out of you."
"Eh, send it. Maybe I'll learn something. Who knows?"
"Give me your email address. You can scan it in 5 minutes, call her up, and tell her I got an A."
"Ha, you want an A? You called me a f**king Russian again and you want an A?"
"Yah. F**king Russian. Give me an A."
I'm laughing now.
"Do me a favor and tell Wayne Horowitz I want to do another tutorial. I need the money. Sounds like you're in a good mood."
"You're always good for a laugh."
"So glad I could entertain you. So tell him you want another tutorial with me and I'll entertain you for another semester."
"Yah? How kind of you."
"Not for free. I'll entertain you for money."
"Of course. You're Russian."
"Watch it. I haven't given you a grade yet."
"Ohhhh hooo. I'm shaking. Give me your address."
He gives it to me.
"Got it--Sure you don't want to change it to F_Russian at yahoo dot com?"
"No, I like mine. It's original."
"Sure it is. All right. I'll send it. And I'll talk to Wayne for you. Someone'll want a tutorial."
"Thanks."
"Yah, I'm moving soon. Come by some time and we can have coffee...or your 'lesbian drink' that you love so much (Peach flavored tea...that's what he calls it)."
"Yah? Sounds good. Ok. Good luck this year. Keep in touch."
"Yah, you too. See ya. Bye."
"Bye."

And that's how it's done here :)

Well if this doesn't sum it up....

http://www.atomfilms.com/landing/landingIndex.jsp?id=jesus_off&mature=accept

Thanks, Pike, for finding this clip of a southern Jew expressing exactly what this southern Jew would have if she could sing. Oh hell, it's funny. Go take a look. Go.......go now!

Druze Tribute

Top: They ain't got a country, but they got a flag...and Bottom: Yousef, who always gives me the pillow and the warm blanket.


I will soon be moving into the Turkish Stronghold (meaning two of them vs. one of me) on French Hill and so I must at least offer this humble tribute to the Druze who have housed and fed me as one of their own for over two weeks. Yousef, Faraj, and Jimmy...thanks...you've all been as much a pain in my ass as I'm sure I've been in yours. Here's to you and yours, boys...



Top: A Druze of a different color...one o' the baby cousins and Bottom: the infamous Faraj

Top: Yousef and his baby cousin, Anan...is it wrong that I think he's totally hot? and Bottom: Jimmy and I

You Wanna Piece Of Me??

Yah, just say what you feel...whatever comes to you...no consequences...no niceties, this is Israel, for Christ's sake.
So, it was a long day. I was tired, stressed, and ready to break. I sat at the computer, half chatting online, half chatting with my buddy, Faraj who is lounging on the bed behind me. I had eaten, get this, a giant freaking CHEESEBURGER with Mehdi before returning to the apartment after school. What's that, you say? A cheeseburger? In Jerusalem...but that's not kosher!!! No, it isn't, but I found the one burger restaurant here that serves BACON on their already naughty cheeseburgers! (I'll be getting that next time.) WHOO HOO! Anyhow, sitting there, digesting, chatting, and Faraj says, "Tal, you need to lose some of your stomach."
I turned slowly, my eyes narrowed, and I said, "What did you just say?"
Idiot. He repeated himself.
And from my lips came a stream of hell-fire.
"What the F**K?! You f**king ass****! I've lost 10 pounds since I've been back here, I hardly eat, I'm running around all over the godd**m place and today, you shit, I wanted a damn burger which was more food than I've eaten all week, I enjoyed it, and now I'm gonna sit here with my tummy hanging out and digest it, damnit!" I pointed a finger in his face. "If one more f**king Israeli guy finds it his business to comment on my weight again, I will smack the living shit out of him, and I think I'll start with you!"
"Tal, wait...don't..."
"What? Should I stop eating all together? Should I starve myself because you don't like the way I look?"
"No, no, not that, not anorexic..."
"Yah, anorexic. That's a great idea! I'll become anorexic just to appease guys like you! I won't eat anything at all, how's that? In fact, I should probably change right now into something less offensive to you, maybe a nice, baggy sweatshirt?" And with that, I marched over to the sofa where my clothes were sitting and with my back turned to him, whipped off my shirt.
But I didn't stop there.
I dropped my pants around my ankles so that I was standing there with my back to him, in nothing but bra and thong, and I could hear him gasp behind me, "Tal! What are you...?!"
"This," I said grabbing an ass cheek and shaking it for emphasis, "this is me." I slapped my thigh, "This is me." And I patted my stomach. "This is me. It's not going anywhere. Get used to it."
And I pulled up my pants, threw on the baggy sweatshirt, and spun back around to see the look of surprise still stuck on his face.
Well, I don't think it was just surprise...

"Besides," I hissed, walking over to him and poking at his own chub, "what about you? What's thisssss???" Now it was his turn to defend himself. And tell me I take everything too seriously, and that I look good...really good, and besides, he doesn't like skinny girls, his girlfriend looks a lot like me, etc. etc.

Hell with him.

I look damn good. And your opinion doesn't count if I don't agree with it. So shut up.

The End.

"Air Raid, Bitches, Air Raid!!!!!"

I missed a hell of a gathering last night with my grad school buddies cuz I felt a little off yesterday...thought I could pull through and get some work done in the archaeology library, but after finding a comfy little nook, gathering together some books and pulling out my laptop...I passed out cold for two hours atop volumes II and III of Civilizations of the Ancient Near East.
Nonetheless, after collecting some material to take home, I promised a few friends that I'd meet them downtown that evening. As I sat waiting for the bus home, my advisor and professor, Dr. Wayne Horowitz, turned up and sat down next to me. You have to see this guy. He's from New York, but has been living, working, and raising his family in Israel for over 2o years. He's got wild, wolfman hair and a beard, and wears baggy pants and crinkled shirts over his portly stomach, so that when you see him walking through campus, you wonder to yourself how this hobo/hungover Santa Claus got through security. You are, in fact, looking at a well-known and well-published genius in the field of Mesopotamian studies. We took the number 28 to the bus station, discussing how he got into this field ("I went to Brandeis and studied Arabic...then classical Greek, then....."), finding a subject you're good at and making it your career (he quoted Good Will Hunting), Israeli mentality, and the difficultly of learning Akkadian ("You'll see what I mean this year in my class...it's like going to the zoo vs. going on a safari...it makes a lot more sense when you see the cuneiform in its natural habitat..."--we both giggle. "Nice analogy." "Isn't it?" He giggles like a little kid.) Where was he going? "North, as far as you can go before you're in Lebanon." "Oh.............why?" "Cuz I live there." Giggle. That made my day and took my mind off of wanting to puke for 20 minutes. When I arrived home, I worked on my paper, answered about a half a dozen phone calls and apologetically dodged my way out of drinking, and went to sleep under 7 or 8 blankets, feeling terribly sorry for myself.
This afternoon, however, it suddenly struck me that Shabbat was on its way and I didn't have any food or water in the fridge. So I threw on some clothes and hopped on the bus to Machane Yehuda, a market in the city where you can buy fresh vegetables and fruit for pennies, all sorts of pita, and cheeses, meats, and ready made eggplant salads and the like. When I arrived, the bustle of shutting down had already begun, and I shoved my way, Israeli-style, through the dwindling crowd, determined to get what I came for. Just as I was finishing up, I saw a religious man standing near a burekas cart and blowing some sort of horn in peoples faces, tapping on his watch. "Somebody punch him!" I murmured to myself, wondering how the hell he figured it was his business if people were still buying and selling goods so close to the beginning of Shabbat.
I went to my bus stop and waited about 20 minutes before I, like the others there with me, realized we'd missed the last bus.
And suddenly I wished I had never even bothered going out...
Out of nowhere came a piercing, eardrum-blowing noise...something to wake the dead, I shit you not. People put down their bags and covered their ears. Some guys waiting for a cab next to me exchanged "Aw, shit" looks. Necks craned upwards to the top of a nearby building to see where the hell this god-awful cacophony was coming from.
It was the Shabbat siren. Yah, that damn thing tore right through my brain. I'd never heard it up close before, and here I was, trying to flag down a cab, right next to it. I'm sure our friend with the stupid horn was dancing a little jig at this point. As for me, I resigned myself to the fate of one not about to hail a cab and escape this hell anytime soon and lit up a smoke with a sneer. "Yah, it's Shabbat and I'm SMOKING! HA!"
The nice thing about Shabbat though....the water in the Druzes' apartment gets real hot and you can finally take a loooooooooong, relaxing shower. And then one of them says to you, "Tal! I haf to shower before da work. You use all da hot woter?" And you reply, "Of course not, honey, but you're fine...you don't need to shower. Besides, aren't you already late?"

racial profiling

This morning I jumped on the bus and headed toward the Central Bus Station in order to find a "caspomat" to take out money. I sat down and looked up to see a beautiful, young woman sitting opposite me, checking her makeup in a little compact. She was stunning, really, but I always found it terribly tacky to see a girl perform her beauty rituals in front of people. In any case, I got off the bus and manuevered my way through the crowds, across the street, and toward the entrance of the station. Suddenly, a large man loomed up in front in me..."Shaaaaaalom," his voice boomed with the intent to stop a person...Security. I realized I was directly behind the young woman and a split second before running into her, I dodged left. You see, the beauty of this girl could belong to no other ethnicity in the world but an Arab, and the security guard knew this. As I passed the two, I heard him say in Hebrew, "Where are you from? You have I.D.?" Before reaching the security check I turned back to see her prove herself, patiently enough, but with the hurried frusteration of any teenager about to miss her bus. I set my bags on the little table and walked through the metal detector. The Ethiopian guard took his time opening every pocket of my backpack, stopping to ask, "Machshev? Computer?" when he saw my laptop, and continuing on to my purse, while two young religious boys bickered behind me in English because one had chosen the "slow line." Hm. He was being slow and thorough today. I remembered that Boaz had told me a few days ago to be more aware these next few months. They bomb us, we kill some terrorists in Gaza, they bomb us, etc. Keep your eyes open, he said, it's their turn... some time this week something will happen. Yah, yah. I know.
See, here, they don't have color-coded terrorist threat alerts on the news. People just know, and you can feel it everywhere. Security gets kicked up a few notches all over the city. You suddenly find yourself being patted down on your way into the city for a beer before passing through a makeshift gate that wasn't there earlier that day.
It's a little weird. But life goes on. And so does mine. Just thought I'd share something different, but I don't want to freak anyone out. That's how it is here. And SHIT I'm late to class!!

happy halloween

want to hear something scary?

second year Akkadian, first day of class--"Homework for next week: transliterate and translate the first part of Enuma Elish."
WTF??

eeny meeny miny mo,
rate my stories high or low,
sure would like to hear from y'all,
but as for now,
i love erik allen most of all........

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!